The Habits of Humans

When I was in my younger years I was quite an original.

I always ate the marshmallows first in the lucky charms because I hated them and I wanted to save the delicious cheerios for last.

I never wore mismatching socks. Ever.

I always ate my half sandwiches from top to bottom instead of turning them sideways like I hear other children do.

I never let my clothes get inside out when I took them off.

I always put the jam on top of the peanut butter instead of on the other slice of bread.

But those are all habits of my childhood.

Now that I am at this semi medium age of 17, I have gained some different, but no less habitual habits. I repeat: Habitual habits. Ha.

I always put my right leg in my pants first.

I always shampoo, condition, remove makeup, wash face, wash body, and on very special days, shave, when I am in the shower. Every single morning. Every single shower.

I always vacuum my car in a counterclockwise circle starting at the driver's side.

And speaking of chores, the bathroom goes like this: mirror, sink, counter, sweep, toilet, tub, mop.

I brush my teeth starting at the bottom right side, then to the bottom left, then the top right, then the top left, then the outsides with my teeth clenched together, then one quick spurt around all the teeth, then spit, then the tongue, then spit, then rinse twice. The whole thing takes about 3 min. And flossing is a whole other routine.

If I have not absolutely disgusted you yet, please read on...

Let's think about habits of old age.

This is Brom. He is a man of habits. This picture is more than a year old and do you see that shirt he's wearing? He still wears it.

I have known him for more than a year and a half and he has always sang the same songs:

It don't matter to me.

I'm reviewing the situation.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty.

He always says the same things:

Peace. Be still.

Shut face.

Ok ladies and gentleman. And the rest of you.

I lied.

He always grades tests the same way.

He always does the same high adventure things on the weekends.

He always eats the same thing for lunch.

One day I was thinking about the ridiculousness of these habits of his when suddenly it hit me: I am the exact same way.

Sick.

I do NOT want to grow up to be some saggy old woman who does the exact same thing ALL THE TIME and if I keep it up... That is exactly where I am headed!

So here's the deal. If you want to stay young, the key is to break those lame subconscious habits you have been forming for years.

From now on I am a new woman.

I put my left leg in my pants first.

I brush my teeth in a random manner.

And I never shower except on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and the odd days of the month, plus the 16th. But only sometimes.