Judge not that ye be not judged*

Since today, May 21st, 2011, is the end of the world, I thought this post would be fitting. Save yourselves!

This is Jamie.

Normally, I wouldn't use his real name, but no pseudonym will do. Jamie is just thoroughly Jamie. The first time I met him, I definitely judged him. I even thought, "Wow, I am never going to be friends with that kid." I mean, you know my stipulations surrounding men. Well, first of all, they have to be manly. Second they have to be tall. Third, they have to be dark.

As you can see, Jamie is none of these things.

But let me tell you.

I LOVE Jamie. He is probably one of the best friends I made all year long, and once I got to know him I just couldn't get enough of him. We could just talk and talk and talk and talk forever and I would never get bored. And he's so dang funny. Here are a couple original quotes by none other than him that just cracked me up:

"Sometimes I wear toe spacers. They sell them at Walmart next to the eye patches."

"That tree's not with the program yet."

Anyway, the point is, I judged Jamie hard core and I almost prevented myself from knowing one of the best people I'll ever know. So don't judge based off looks. Seriously.

Here's another example from an earlier era of my life:

Remember Brother K? Our seminary teacher from last year. When I walked into his classroom for the first time and saw him standing up there at the front, I was like "I am sooo switching out of this class." I mean, take a look at him. Short. Like, short. Scrawny. White. I know, I judged him hard core. But for some reason that I don't remember, I stayed in his class, and I am SO GLAD that I did. He was beyond doubt my favorite seminary teacher of them all, and he made me laugh more than anyone has ever made me laugh in my life. And it was real laughing that I could not control. That doesn't happen to me very often.
The other day I was going through my old seminary stuff, and I came across my little notebook for that class, and in that little notebook were two pages of quotes from Brother K. that I'd written down. Okay, just sitting in my room reading those quotes off a piece of paper had me laughing out loud. I thought you'd like to reminisce with me:

"Hell is like school."

"Here's a sword. If you die, who cares?"

"I encourage my wife to wear makeup."

"He's kind of a senior boy with a sophomore approach to life."

"I grew up in front of a fire hydrant."

"No, I'm not sharing my Vodka."

"I will kill you Brother K! How dare you have us read scriptures in seminary!"

"His name is Roy and he's dead."

"Pretty much we're ugly scumbags. Thank you."

Bahaha! I love that guy. I'm glad I didn't let my judgments get in the way of enjoying his class .

Lesson, learned.

The State of My Affairs*

So, before we get started, let me just explain that the lovely young lady who runs this blog (I'm still not sure what to call you on here, ___; you should get on that) went off to live in Mexico and has abandoned this blog for the summer. Fortunately for all the masses of people out there who read this thing, I get to continue posting on it whenever I want. But because that want really only manifests itself every Saturday, actually, probably less than every Saturday, every Saturday, probably less than every Saturday is what you get. And, don't go thinking this has turned into my blog, because a blog, like a strange skin-melting disease, is never something that I wanted for my own, just something that I'd like to sit back and watch others enjoy.

Ok, now that we have housekeeping out of the way, let's get on to the good stuff.

I had my wisdom teeth removed on Thursday. I wasn't dreading it but I wasn't exactly looking forward to it either. I went in for a consultation on Tuesday though, and when the doctor walked in, my personal opinion polls on the whole procedure just shot through the roof. You should seriously see this doctor. He was a stud. Like, wow. Dang attractive.

Thursday morning rolls around, and we drive over to his office. His nurses get me hooked up to the laughing gas (which I'd never had before, btw), and they tell me to take big deep breaths. I followed their instructions, but nothing was happening. They were a little concerned because my heart rate wasn't dropping like it was supposed to under sedation. Don't worry though, eventually I got the tingly light sensation that they said I would get, and I was just lying there in wonderland. Then the doctor came in and asked me how I felt, and I responded "fine". Then he sat next to me, grabbed my arm, rubbed some stuff on it, and stuck a needle in it. I know I'm weird, but now you can think I'm even weirder when I tell you that I enjoy IVs.

In fact, I enjoyed this whole procedure. It was a walk in the park.

So, I wake up, not really even remembering falling asleep, and they wheel me down to the car. Mama drives me home, I lay on the couch and drool blood and sip Sprite (simultaneously). I feel 100% fine and I don't even say anything strange and my face isn't swollen at all.

(okay, tense change)

At around 6, a group of my friends from school came down to visit me, bringing glad tidings of Jamba. Even they were disappointed to see that I was talking normally and looking...normal(ly?).

Bla bla bla, here we are, Saturday morning. Still feel great. Have probably taken like, 5 pain pills altogether. Minor swelling. Yeah....I'm ironwoman. See look:

(FYI, this picture was taken literally 1 minute after I woke up this morning, which is why my hair is the way it is (kiiind of a crazy night last night). But you'll notice my face is hardly swollen at all, and if you look very carefully, you'll also notice that I'm wearing glasses. That is not just because I lost my contacts or something, that is because I am officially a glasses-wearing woman now.)

So, there's my epic wisdom-tooth story. But here is the real juicy story you've all been waiting for:

While at my consultation on Tuesday, my mother came across a magazine with a bunch of recipes she liked, so she abducted it and took it home with us. When I found it sitting on her bed, I promptly reprimanded her for stealing and then proceeded to look through it. I happened upon a certain article about a certain website that promotes affairs. Like, married people make an account and then other married people come browsing through and think, "Hm, she's attractive, I think I'll jeopardize my marriage and go sleep with her."
Well, I wanted to see what this was all about, because I was kind of in shock, so I did what you don't think I did, but all the same what you are probably secretly thinking that I did anyway, but I wouldn't really do it, would I?

Yeah, I did it. I committed a minor moral misdeed and I created an account, okay?

I made myself a cute secret little username (which I am definitely not going to disclose to you) and uploaded a super washed-out picture of me, and at this very moment, if you go browse that website, you'll think I'm an adorable 20-year old college student living in Salt Lake looking for a lover.

Before you start freaking out, let me just tell you that I have absolutely NO INTENTION of ever getting together with anybody from this site, obviously. I purely did it out of curiosity to see what kind of scumbags I would attract.

And as of today, I have 86 messages in my account inbox, 43 winks, and 9 collect messages. Mostly all from married men, in their mid 30's-40's, who are "happily married," who live around here, who want to get together and have an affair. With me.

Are you disgusted? Because I am so disgusted and I can just not get over the fact that there are millions of men out there who, unbeknownst to their wives, are publicly advertising their desire to have an affair. And here's the real kicker: nearly all of their profiles say something along these lines: "I'm not looking to ruin my marriage. I'm perfectly content, I just want to add a little spice to my life." WTF?

Anyway, now that we're all fully aware of the truly repulsive nature of the men and women in this world, we can all kick back and be glad that we have nothing to do with such an abominable association of people.

I promise I'll delete my account. As soon as I'm up to 100 messages in my inbox. :)

You know what?*

Boredom does great things for me. Among intellectual hobbies such as reading, writing, honing my guitar skills, and watching Alias, I've also been learning how to hack into computers, encrypt and decrypt files, and understand political jargon. After all, if a future in political science and possible intelligence involvement is what awaits me, these are important things to know.

Do you realize how much we DON'T know? Every single, I don't know, aspect of life has it's own set of terms and concepts to understand. Like if you want to be a construction worker, you're going to have to know entirely different stuff than if you want to be a porn star or something.
And if you're the President of the United States, you probably don't know how to work a retail job, or how to ice-pic your way up a mountain. A concert pianist doesn't know how to do what the people backstage are doing. The janitor at the hospital doesn't know how to perform brain surgery, and a brain surgeon doesn't know which key fits into which cleaning supply closet, or even where the cleaning supply closets are. A herbalist doesn't know how to skin a deer, and a weather man doesn't know how to calm down a class of first-graders. But somebody out there knows. Isn't that interesting? For every single thing there is to know, there's a person who knows it, or it wouldn't exist!

That's probably why I hate being the new person at a job. Everybody already knows what they're doing, and they know how to do it in the most efficient way. That's also why I never joined a team in high school, because as much as I enjoyed playing a pick-up game of volleyball or soccer, there is a lot more to know about a sport than how to score a point.

And look at you now, out there in Mexico, learning all sorts of stuff you didn't know before, I'm sure. I mean, even every culture has unique things you need to know to function properly within it.

Wow. Knowledge. Who knew?

This is a Test

Simply a test.

More to come despues.