Ok so I've never actually given birth...

*Disclaimer: This post may contain a little TMI so if you don't wanna hear it, don't read it. Also, despite how it may sound, I'm not complaining, because it was totally worth it. I'm just saying it in a way so as to make it a little more entertaining, if possible. Okay? Please, continue.

This is my chica. My mother birthed her nearly 2 years ago. Lucky for me, I got to hear some of the horror stories that come along with releasing a human from your insides. Let's just say, I'm never having kids.

Jk jk, but really. It does not sound fun.

So a few days ago I had the opportunity of going boating. It was insanely fabulous. It was warm and sunny and the water was just great.

Part way through the afternoon, I decided to take a ride on the tube with my roommate. She sat on the right, I sat on the left. It's really not relevant what side we were on, I just thought you might want to know.

So we were going along and it was crazy and bumpy and fun and then the tube flipped and we both fell in. This is to be expected.

But what was not to be expected was the horrible pain I felt coming from down under.

When I landed on the water it was kind of sideways and pretty much my cheeks just split. Right down the middle.

Ya.

And there was the HUGEST wedgie in the whole entire world to accompany it.

Ya.

So it hurt like crazy.

But whatev right? This is boating and this is just what happens.

So I got over it and forgot about it and it didn't hurt for the rest of the day. But then I got home. And guess where I had to go.

The bathroom.

But I wasn't too reluctant because, like I said, I forgot about the whole thing like 2 seconds after it happened.

So I went. And guess what.

Ya.

Um, that blood is most CERTAINLY not monthly. And it hurt like crazy. Again.

So I thought to myself, "This has to be what it's like after you give birth! This hurts so bad. And it's not like I can just hold it in. I have to go to the bathroom."

The next day, same thoughts, followed by, "How is this going to heal? I go to the bathroom and it splits and then it heals a bit, but then I have to go to the bathroom again and it just splits again! This is so not normal."

Well folks, I am here to tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have no idea where that light came from because, really, it doesn't make sense. At all. I mean, WHERE did it find time to heal??

No se Jose.

So if that can heal, giving birth can heal, and I know I can handle it.

But look what else happened:

Do you see that? Is that not creepy? Here's a closer look:

Those are not water spots.

I have no idea what to call those. Blisters? It was a slight sunburn and now it's this. This has never happened to me. I have no idea what to do.

Whatev.

This too will heal and all will be well.

Aside from all that, boating was fab and I would highly recommend it. So go.